A Year and a Day
by ghostdiva
Summary: What if Jane's Aunt never told her of her Uncle from Maderia Would anyone have stopped the illfated wedding? Very very sorry for the delay.
1. Chapter 1

I know it has been WAY to long since this story had an update, I decided to make a few changes and it took a long time to settle on something that I liked. There isn't much new content, but the tone of the last few chapters has changed, rather significantly I think. Please review if you feel so inclined, I do read them. As I am now settled on a tone, I hope to be able to add to this story on a more frequent basis. Thank you.

A Year and a Day

The ceremony complete, vows exchanged, Edward kept his word in our leaving Thornfield in earnest. He told me that our first stop, our first night as husband and wife, would be spent in a hotel on the way to London. "You've never been to London have you Jane?"

I remarked that I had not because it was the truth, "Well, we will be two weeks there and from there we will journey to Paris, and all the cities to the Mediterranean. I am convinced, my love, that you will thrive in warmth and sunshine."

"I thrive well enough as it is, you are intent on spoiling me."

Edward, who already had his fingers entwined in mine throughout and since the ceremony, leaned towards me and smiled, kissing my cheek as he did so. "My darling Janet, you have no idea how much I am going to spoil you, and it will begin tonight, when you become my wife, instead of merely my bride."

I blushed at his reference, I had spent so much of my time this last month trying to avoid his caress, that I now felt shy to the aspect of receiving them. Edward laughed, "Ah, Jane, I forget sometimes how innocent you are, you feel so a part of myself that I sometimes think it isn't possible. For you know that I am anything but."

I knew not what to say in response, he was right.

"I can not wait for you to see the hotel suite that I have rented for us in London, it is in a prime location, exquisitely decorated: precisely the type of surroundings I would always want you to find yourself in Jane."

"Edward, I do not see why you feel that you should spend so much money trying to make me comfortable, I will be equally happy in a lesser setting-as long as you are with me."

"Yes, Jane, I know how you feel, and you never have to worry because I never plan on leaving your side. We will always live in harmony Jane, I only thought we should do so in comfort."

I wasn't pleased with his want to spoil me so, but I decided to let him have his suite, I would discuss other expenditures latter.

When we arrived at our first inn, I was indeed impressed by the beauty of our suite, expensive fabrics and paintings littered the walls, fine furnishings left little room for movement, out of season fruit was prominently displayed in a silver hand sculpted bowl on the breakfast table.

Once we had acquainted ourselves with the room, and directed the unpacking of our trunks, Edward made sure that dinner would be brought to us.

"You won't get out of this now, my Janet, you said you wouldn't dine with me until after we were married, and now that time has come and gone. You remember don't you Jane?"

I laughed at his frivolity; it seemed to me a small matter, a simple change in station, I suppose he considered it more a matter of intimacy, and indeed I had never felt more as though nothing else on earth existed as I did during our stay in that suite. I can not explain what happened after dinner, Edward waited until the meal had been cleared by the staff and then asked me to his chair where he was smoking a cigar and drinking wine. He offered me a glass and I turned it down, I seldom took wine, and could not think of a reason I should accept it then. He poured the glass, and pushed it towards me.

"You should drink it Jane, it calms the nerves."

"I am not nervous; I have no need of it."

Edward laughed again and refilled his own cup.

"That's one of the many things that I love about you Jane, you know how to put things in perspective, or is you lack of nervousness simply due to the fact that you have no knowledge of the marriage bed?"

I blushed again but did not waiver. What I did know did not make me nervous. I was ready to share my self with Edward as a wife should with her husband; I was ready to share with him my body as I already had my soul.

"Jane, come and sit beside me." I knew he was going to ask me to sit with him, he always did in the evenings at Thornfield, I had not expected that to change once we had been married. I took my seat.

"My love, I do not know how to tell you this, but your love for me has made you courageous and I fear my love for you has made me a coward."

He was caressing my hand with his own when he said this, I knew that he was being apprehensive; I did not believe his explanation as to why.

"Jane, I know that look, you think I am withholding something from you? You are right Jane, I do withhold something from you; it is because I am overwhelmed. There were times when I thought I would never see this day happen, and now that it's come to pass I only fear not meeting your expectations. You are my hope and my life and my self, Jane. I can't bare the thought of causing you grief."

As he spoke he put out his cigar and pulled me fully into his lap. He had slipped into one of his gloomy moods, and I knew not what to do to relieve it. It broke my heart that he doubted he could make me happy, for happy I was wherever he too was happy.

He kissed me gently and framed my face in his hands; all I could see in his eyes were anguish and love. "Forgive me my love, but I think I will need a night alone to acclimate myself to being a married man. My prize is won and I don't quite know what to do with my self."

I squeezed his hands and sat them in my own lap, "I see I shall have to tease and vex you indeed. You clearly can not handle my sentiments forthwith. I release you of your duties tonight, but know that I do not do so gladly, you will owe me dearly."

"Wicked thing! It is not too late to get an annulment my dear."

He laughed when I pretended to pout. I could see that my teasing was just the thing to bring him out of his previously brooding state. He picked up my hand again and proceeded to kiss my fingers individually.

"I believe my witch has cast a spell to change my mood and do her bidding."

He leaned over and kissed me deeply. That night I learned what it was to share with someone all that I possessed: body and soul.

Our two weeks in London passed quickly, our mutual love of art proved to while away the hours as we spent our days in museums, our afternoons in plays, and our nights in our hotel room, planning our future one day at a time.

"Jane, have you enjoyed our stay in London?" It was the last evening we would spend in London during our tour. Edward and I had just returned from the playhouse and I was checking our trunks to make sure that all was in preparation for our journey to Paris. "Yes, Edward. London has been all that you said it would. It makes me wonder how Paris will be, as many of the things you've told me have not been quite as pleasant." He smiled and continued surveying the armoire. "Don't worry about any of that, I told you before, this tour will be with an angel by my side and with love in my heart. I don't intend to have you in the same circles I used to travel in. You are too good for them my darling, they don't deserve to know you." He approached me as he said this and placed a kiss on my forehead.

"I sometimes fear that I don't deserve you either."

"My dear Edward, you think entirely too much of me, I am a human being same as you. But I have enjoyed our time here. Perhaps we can make our way back here when our tour is finished."

The look that cast on his face as I said this almost gave me a start; it was of unmasked fear, as though the mention of coming back was the most frightening thing I could have ever said. He gathered me in his arms, so that I could not see his face: I could tell he was looking up at the ceiling when he spoke next, as he often did when melancholy set in. "Jane, if we ever do come back it should be a long time since, I love you and would want for nothing more than to get you to some place secluded and live without society for our entire lives. It has been good to neither of us."

We stood in an embrace for some time before a valet came in to take some of our trunks. I didn't know why he suddenly wished to remove himself from society, he had seemed eager enough for it at Thornfield. I felt his dread at the thought of remaining and it troubled me, I started then to feel as though we were running: whether away from, or to something I did not know, but wherever Edward was I was determined to be also.

That night my dreams returned. They did not change much from the ones I had before the wedding and I still did not know what to make of them. I found myself once again perched on the ledge of Thornfield's wall, a crying child clinging to me as I watched Edward ride away in the distance, not hearing me, not caring, not looking back-

"Jane! Jane, please, my darling, wake up." The hushed whisper of my husband awakened me and I instinctively buried myself in his strength. I was weeping softly, something that I had assuredly begun in my sleep. He was rocking me softly in his arms, comforting me as best he could when he told me I had been calling for him in my sleep.

"Yes, I've had another nightmare. You were leaving me and I could not stop you. It was just like the dream I had the night before the wedding, you won't leave me will you?" He sighed and was silent for some time before he answered.

"You know that I never would, I couldn't for we are too attached, my love, I would never do to be without you. As for the dreams, you think they mean something, but I tell you they don't. You told me something similar the night before we wed, but those dreams never bore fruit and neither will these; it is only your imagination. You were worried about meeting bad company in Paris: that is the flicker of flame which sparked your dreams, Darling. I tell you, we will skip over the entire country of France if it makes you this uneasy, nothing is worth seeing you so uneasy."

I could not deny his words, indeed, nothing formidable had occurred since our marriage and I found myself obliged to forget that the dream had occurred.


	2. Chapter 2

Once we arrived in Paris, I took the opportunity to write to Mrs. Fairfax and let her know how we faired. Since we were to stay in Paris a period of four weeks, I had hopes of my letter being received and replied to before we left for Spain.

My husband and I were intrinsically comfortable in each others' presence. There was no stress about what would we would do: Edward knew the passions of my heart and I his. We spent much of our time out of doors where I would sit by some fountain and sketch the surrounding architecture.

"Edward, do you think we should retire to tea?" I had been sketching on this day and it was unseasonably warm, I do not think Edward had even checked the time, but I heard bells toll four o'clock in the afternoon. My question seemed to bring Edward from some day dream he had surrendered to. He turned to me smiling and then took out his watch. "My dear, I believe you are right, we have been enjoying the weather so much that our appetites have suffered for it. Will you join me for tea Mrs. Rochester?"

He teased me. Even though we had been married more than a month the name still seemed foreign and I blushed. I took his arm and we walked a short distance to a small café.

"Have you ever had crepes Jane?" Edward was still intent on giving me as much cultural experience as possible, indeed everything I had eaten since our tour had been a new experience.

"No, sir, I do not think I've had the pleasure."

"Well, you shall today my Janet."

He spoke to the waiter and the crepes and coffee were brought to us, I was extremely surprised at how wonderful a thin pastry sprinkled with sugar could be. "If you think its good now try it with the jam."

"It's simply delightful."

"You mean you like it? Have I actually stumbled upon something that my Jane likes (I mean of course besides myself?) I think I'll have to hire the chef to prepare you dinners from now on: anything to make you happy."

His teasing embarrassed me, especially when he inquired with the waiter as to what could be done to procure the service of the chef. I made hast to get him to pay the tab so we could make our exit.

"Edward, was there not some place you wanted to be at five o'clock, some appointment to view a collection of statuaries?"

At the mention of the statuaries Edward and I made our way out of the café and to a hackney carriage.

We arrived shortly outside of an affluent neighborhood, though dark and gloomy it seemed in the twilight. Edward, obviously not perturbed by the setting, took my hand and led me through an alleyway. I trusted my husband completely, but the lack of light and people gave me an uneasy feeling that I tried diligently to hide. "Jane your hand has turned cold, what's the matter?"

"I admit that I am a little uneasy, I don't like to be in a dark and strange alley."

"My love, I would never take you anyplace that I thought might be dangerous. We are safe, Jane, I promise."

I smiled as we approached the other side of the alley, it was barely daylight anymore, but any light was enough to ease my mind. My thoughts went back to the man we had met in the museum the day before, he had invited us to view his private collection today, and Edward and I had accepted his generous offer.

"Hello, good man! Yes, you Sir. Could you please tell me were I might find the residence of a Mister Alexander Payton?"

Edward had stopped a young man on the sidewalk to ask if he knew exactly which house belonged to the man. This street was a row of townhouses, many with tall gates and no markers.

"Why, yes, Sir, it just so happens that it is the home three doors down to your left."

"Thank you good man, I—"

Edward was about to give the man a sixpence in appreciation when police whistles were heard from behind us.

French police were shouting that we halt and not move.

I had never seen the color drain from Edward's face before but I saw it now as he grabbed my hand and froze in place. I could not help but do the same: it became clear momentarily that the young man who had just given us direction was the person the police wished to pursue, as he took off running in the opposite direction.

The policemen, all but one, went after the man, the one that remained came straight to us. He inquired as to what the man had said to us. "We stopped the man officer; I was simply asking direction to the residence of a Mister Alexander Payton. I was told he lived in this area and only wanted to find the correct house." Edward answered bluntly and factually and the officer thanked him for the information and apologized for any trouble he may have caused. Edward took my hand and quickly led me toward the residence. He was sweating and pale, it scared me because I had never seen him so before. "Edward are you alright?"

He paused then and looked at me, taking me fully in his arms as he did so. I could have sworn that he was holding back violent sobs. "No, Jane I am not. You could not know how distressed I was to be called out by the police." He looked at me again and I could feel his pleading even though he said nothing for several minutes.

"Jane—Jane promise me something."

"Anything Edward."

"Promise me that if we are ever separated, ever taken away from each other that you would do whatever you had to to move on with your life." His words sent a tremor through me and I found myself holding back tears as well.

"I cannot do that Edward. You are a part of me, and I could never do without you. You must know that. I told you, no matter what happens I will choose to stay with you."

"Ah, my Jane, I know that you would darling, given the choice, stay with me, but if you aren't given the choice, you must move on. Promise me." His voice was so fevered and anxious that I felt I had no choice but to agree. I could see no reason why we would be forced to be apart, and wished he would stop talking nonsensically.

"Of course Edward, it wouldn't do to spend my days pining for you."

"Good." Edward was obviously relieved to have gotten that issue straightened out and he composed himself in a matter of seconds.

"Jane?" He stopped again and I could tell a new thought had entered his mind that gave him some peace of mind. "Yes." "Jane, I want you to do something for me. Tomorrow, when we wake, I want us to go to the bank and I want to open an account in your name, your maiden name, and I want to put half our money in it. Will you let me do that Jane?"

"I suppose that would be fine, but why my maiden name: as long as we are married I share half of your possessions without such triviality."

"I know it seems foolish Jane, but I must ask you to trust this."

He smiled a pitiful smile then and I knew I could not resist, "Humor an old man for a day?" I returned his smile and kissed him.

"I'll humor you for more than a day Edward, I will humor you forever."

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We were eagerly received by the elderly Mr. Payton after the short and quiet excursion to his home.

"Why, it's the Rochesters! How delightful. I was hoping that you would come! Won't you be seated?"

The man, stooped and limping, seated himself rather harshly and waited on us to follow suit. His servant came in with a tea tray and waited on us to accept the tea invitation we had not yet been given. The servant cleared his throat. "Oh, yes, would the two of you like some tea, I have some prepared. Of, course if you only have time to see the statuaries I will understand. I would give anything to be young and free like you are! I may be free now, but young I most assuredly am not." He paused as if to reminisce. "Will you have the tea?"

He smiled an almost toothless smile and I accepted his offer, even though we had just come from tea. I could sense that this gentleman did not make it a habit to accept company; I thought we had better not disappoint him. Edward smiled at me and took my free had in his, as he often made a habit of doing and we sat quietly. Finally, Mr. Payton spoke. "So, tell me, how long do you plan on staying in Paris? It is not very often that an English couple settles in the wilds of Paris, though my wife and I made an exception to the rule. She loved the statuaries you see, I could not deny her what made her happy. What I would give to be back in the English countryside, I know my health wouldn't allow the journey." He sighed and lit a cigar, "I suppose I will have to settle to spend my time with what English gentry I can."

"Well, sir, Jane and I are most happy to be here, though I must confess we aren't going to be returning to England for some time. I intend to take my new wife to the Mediterranean and then to Egypt, the lost civilization. You see, my Jane here has an insatiable mind and I intend to find out just how much it can absorb." Edward looked at me a gave me a wink, he squeezed my hand affectionately as the servant came back into the parlor, "Sir, I am sorry to interrupt but I just wanted to let you know that your grandson has just arrived, he will be in to see you as soon as he is settled if you wish."

"Thank you Marc. It seems that my grandson has made it here from college three days early. I hope you don't mind meeting him; he is a very nice boy. Why don't we make our way to the conservatory and I will get him to meet us there."

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"Grandfather, I am very glad to be back in your home, thank you for asking." Payton's grandson, who had earlier introduced himself as Baptiste, had all the propriety in the world, but you could clearly tell that he was anything but happy to be home. "So, tell me Mister Rochester, how is it that you and your daughter came to know my grandfather?"

I had trouble holding back a gasp as Baptiste asked this question, but Edward did not as I heard an almost animal growl escape his lips. "My dear grandson, I think that you are mistaken, you see the Rochesters are newly married."

"Ah. Forgive me then, I make a terrible habit of assuming things when I obviously should not." I could see that Edward struggled to reply, I nudged him gently and he mumbled something that Baptiste accepted as an apology. "So, Rochester, tell me, is this your first trip to France?"

The elder Mister Payton certainly had seemed to develop his powers of civility in his years as he quickly redirected the conversation to something he hoped was more friendly. Edward answered that it was not his first trip, but it was mine.

It was a very quiet stroll through the large room that held the statuaries from there on in, with the elder Payton pausing periodically to point out points of interest in some of the pieces. Once finished with our tour, Baptiste made his retreat in haste, I could only assume that Edward had made him nervous in some way. At Thornfield I had often been told by the servants that he had that effect on people, but I had yet to see it. I suppose he was just harder to understand than most. I was thinking that I was the luckiest woman in the world for having wed Edward as we made our way back to our hotel suite.

"So, Jane, that Baptiste fellow was a curious sort, wasn't he?" Edward had mostly kept to himself during our carriage ride back to the suite. I knew that he was thinking over what the young man had said, I could only hope he was forgiving toward him as I knew he could be. "I think he speaks his mind too quickly, but we must not take into account one man's opinion." Edward made a grunt of disgust at this as we descended the carriage and made our way inside. "I do think you use the word man too liberally Jane, he was nothing but a half-educated boy." He paused then , as if he had just remembered an important fact, "Of course, Jane, YOU are wise beyond reason, his opinion is of little consequence. I only wish we were closer in age so that you wouldn't be questioned." He had sunk into one of his brooding moods again and I had finally had some notion as to what they were about. I said nothing; it was obvious that I could not make either myself older or him younger.

Later that evening we were going through the mail and I noticed a letter from Mister Payton.

"Ha, He says that his grandson has no intention of staying past the week's end and that he would love to have us back over at out leisure. What do you think Jane? Shall we give the old man another chance?" His emphasis of the words, old man, held a double meaning I knew, and he accused me of being wicked. "Of course we should, other than his grandson, he seems to not get very much company. And he was a sweet old man."

"I agree; I will send word that we will meet with him on Monday morning." He dropped the subject and continued to riffle through the mail, seemed it had caught up with us and I awaited word of my letter from Mrs. Fairfax.

"Here, my darling seems the mail from Thornfield has caught up with us." I took the letter and smiled as I noticed that it was addressed to Mrs. Edward Rochester, it was the first of its kind and cheered me greatly.

"What does it say, Jane. Is all well?" Edward was seated across from me as had become customary in our evenings. He was examining his own mail as he spoke.

"Yes, it appears so. It seems that Adele enjoys her new school; Mrs. Fairfax says she has made several friends."

Edward smirked, the thoughts of Adele and Mrs. Fairfax had always provided him with some entertainment that I did not understand. "She had better enjoy it there for what it costs. But it seems that you made a wise choice in schools for her, as I had little doubt. What other news is there?" I paused to finish reading the paragraph, the letter was several pages long and I had no idea what other news there was, because I had not yet finished it. "Well, she says that a lawyer came to the house looking for me—A Mr. Keaton, on behalf of my Aunt."

I paused as I read this; it was surprising to say the least. It certainly gave me Edward's full attention as he set his letters aside to hear of mine. "I wonder why my aunt's solicitor would want to contact me?"

"I don't know Jane; did she tell him where you were?" I examined the letter again for clues.

"No, she says he left a letter for me and that she enclosed it." Indeed there was another page, I had assumed it was also from Mrs. Fairfax, but upon assessment I saw that it wasn't. I read the letter, Edward waited patiently to find out what the man wanted as he picked up his mail and again went over his own letters. As I read what he had written, I became very upset and Edward, his concern evident, took the letter from me to sooner learn what the matter was.

"That evil, conniving old bat!" Upon reading the contents of the letter Edward became as angry as I had been hurt, but I did not feel as though it would be fair to criticize a deceased woman, no matter how she had been in life.

"Edward! Please don't speak so harshly, she is dead and can not be held accountable now!" He sighed and looked at me with pity. I had never seen him give me that look before and I wondered what I had done to deserve it. I knew that he was sorry for the way my childhood had played out, but then we shared a bond in our neglected upbringings. "No, of course not Jane, that is why this news is just now being discovered. An uncle! Do you not realize, Jane, that if she had done as Mr. Eyre asked and said where you were that you could have gotten out of that nightmarish school! How dare she condemn you like that! Aren't you furious?"

I was furious but I did not see what good it could do. "I was already condemned, she just saw no need to remedy it; I told you she hated me." He gave the letter back to me and took my hand, the look remained,

"Jane, are you alright?" Ever attentive to my needs he had seemed to forget everything else.

"I suppose so; I don't see how it makes a difference now. The letter suggests that I send my uncle a letter and explain that I have just now received word of his existence. I will do so tomorrow."

He paused but nodded, "Are you sure that that's what you want, what if he no longer wishes to know you? He can hardly adopt you know, you are a married woman."

"That's true Edward, but I do wish to meet any family I might find, as I have been without for so long."

He smiled and the look vanished as he realized my determination on the subject. "Alright Jane, do as you wish: where is this man from?"

I looked at the lawyer's letter, "Madeira."

"Madeira!" His exclamation to the point startled me, I thought for a moment that he had dropped his cigar on himself, he certainly was changeable this evening.

"Yes, why?"

"No—no reason, Jane. No reason at all: when you write to him, you may want to use your maiden name. He may not realize the importance of opening a letter from a Mrs. Edward Fairfax Rochester. Hmmph, he may throw it out with out a second thought. Perhaps you should see what he is like before you tell him all about your current life."

There was wisdom in my husband's words, it is best to relate to people from past experiences, if you could, and it probably wouldn't do any good to write to him of current events. Resolved to write the letter I prepared for bed and was soon asleep, however, I had a hard time staying asleep that night as I thought of my uncle, the family I had never met, and my parents. That night, I had a new nightmare; it scared Edward terribly when he had difficulty waking me up.

I dreamed that I was in a new place, a place I had never seen or dreamed of before, and it was raining. I could barely see in front of my face for the sheets pouring down, but I was not wet, I was under some type of awning, a quiet infant in my arms, and a heavy bag on my shoulder. I was alone, but I could see people passing, they were not English, I was obviously in some foreign country where the people had a darker skin color, Africa perhaps Madeira. I took my one free hand and was frantically hunting for something in my pockets, I was on the verge of tears, whether it was from fear or frustration or sadness I did not know, but I had to find what I was searching for. Just as I was about to pull a piece of paper out of my pocket I was startled by the sudden appearance of a woman under the awning with me. She was a native of the land but had a wild and unkept look about her: she stepped up to my face and snarled at me, teeth gnashing. Frightened as I was at her actions, and otherwise unable to get away I turned around and ran towards the street. I knew the woman was following me and I could only be driven to protect myself and the child from her. I had finally made it to the outside of the awning when I tripped. I dropped the child I had been holding. I panicked, instantly forgetting the woman and reaching for the child, I had no more than glanced at it than to realize that it was dead.

"So, Jane tell me again about the dream, are you sure that the woman in this dream is the woman from the dream you had the night before our wedding."

"I've told you all that I know Edward, it certainly seemed to be the same woman, she frightens me terribly, it isn't a face that you would be likely to forget: she seemed crazed." I felt tears come to my eyes again as I sat in our bed. I could see from the drapes that the sun was beginning to rise, Edward and I had not slept since I had awakened from the nightmare. The curtains on the bed were pulled back and Edward was pacing before it, he paused and handed me a glass of wine.

"Edward, you think too much of the healing powers of wine, it will not calm me, I am not as shaken as you think."

"If you are not shaken, what explanation have you for the tears streaming down your face, or are you not aware of them?"

"I am aware of them, but what is best for me is to try and put it out of my mind. Come back to bed." I was beginning to be incensed by his continual pacing, he was determined to solve my problem in that hour, I was sure, but I knew he could not. I loved him and despised him for his stubbornness.

"My love, do you know what was written on the letter you were searching for?" I shook my head and he continued, turning to me with a smug look on his face as though he had just hit on a brilliant idea. "My darling, I think perhaps you had the dream because of the news you received about your Uncle. It is clear that you were in Madeira, and you were looking for a letter. You obviously think that something negative may come of it, as the appearance of the child suggests, and you brought the woman back from your last dream because you have not yet found out her origin, though I suspect she is your mind's interpretation of Grace Poole. You see, Jane, you don't voice all of your opinions during the day when you should, and your mind simply holds it all in for when you are sleeping. I see that I shall have to provoke you into more sentimental discussion, my darling. You obviously needn't keep things from me only to cry them out in your sleep."

I smiled and breathed the first relaxed breath of the morning, I could not argue with Edward's words. "You agree! You see, Jane I could have been a great scientific mind if I had only applied myself. Do you feel calm."

I couldn't help but smile as he said this, my acceptance of his explanation had stroked his ego to something that would take some time and effort to bring back to its usual place. I would have to put some thought into that later, now I only wanted to ease both of our minds. "Yes, very calm. Now, will you come back to bed?"

He waved me off as he moved toward the other end of the room, "I am much too awake to fathom going back to sleep Jane, I think I will ring for the paper."

"I asked you back to bed Edward, I made no mention of sleeping."

"Witch!"


	3. Chapter 3

"I am so glad that you had the mind to come back for a visit. I was half afraid that you would decide to continue on your trip with out stopping back this way." The elder Payton had once again welcomed us to his home and we were seated in his parlor.

"Yes, Sir, seems we are starved for English gentry as much as you." Edward smiled at the man as he spoke; there was something about him Edward must have found worth the effort, he didn't usually take such steps toward small talk. The elder man laughed at the response and they were soon off to a very lively conversation, I would have considered myself quite forgotten if Edward had not made it a point to turn to me and smile on occasion.

"So, your father was the man that tried to buy half of Hay? I remember that well, he very nearly succeeded. Tell me Edward, do you follow in his footsteps? Are you forever searching for property investments?"

Edward cleared his throat as if stalling for time, "I must confess, I was not a very settled man before I met Jane, I was content to tour the continent and let the property be. My father and I turned out to have different ideas of the way things should be."

Mister Payton nodded at this, "I understand completely, you see my grandson is determined to graduate from law school even though the men in our family have been art dealers for generations and he has no financial need for work. I don't understand him sometimes, but to each his own I suppose."

It seemed that Mister Payton was suddenly reminded of my presence as he turned to me, "Tell me, Mrs. Rochester, have you found the shops in Paris to your liking, I know that many a woman has attempted to spend far more than her allowance here." He smiled as if remembering something that humored him, "No Sir, I am not much of a shopper. I can find many other things much more amusing."

"Well, Rochester, that is rather extraordinary, don't you think?"

Edward grinned, I had a fairly good idea that he was about to say that he wished I wasn't like that sometimes and I wasn't disappointed. "Actually it can be disconcerting at times, she allowed me only one day to take her shopping and she has forbade it since, I am at a loss to find a way to spoil her, so I have to settle for giving her my undying attention."

Both men laughed at this and I was sure that there was something in the statement that I did not entirely understand. A little more conversation on the Paris shops took place before lunch time came around and Edward and I said our farewells. "Do be sure to stop by if you are ever in Paris again, you are always most welcomed here." "Of course, and thank you for your hospitality."

"Well Jane, Mister Payton is certainly easier to tolerate when his grandson is not present, don't you think?"

"Yes, he seemed tolerable. I think that you share some small interests with him, neither of you seemed to have been at a loss for conversation."

"Yes, I did find conversation pleasant. I often think that I could have had a relationship such as that with my father if we had found something that interested us both, instead he prided himself in his fortune and labeled me a burden."

We were having this discussion out in the gardens of our hotel and I could see that it was quickly turning melancholy so I attempted to divert it.

"Edward, how much longer do you think we will stay in Paris?"

Edward turned at this and tried to think of an answer for me. "I hadn't yet settled on a particular date, but if you have a preference we will settle on it now. Why do you ask?"

"I was only wondering. There was an inquiry I would like to make, but there is no need if we will not be long here."

"If there is something here that you might take an interest in, I would be delighted to stay and indulge you in it." He had somehow read into my words and knew that I had hit upon something that I wanted to do. He was yearning for the opportunity to spoil me and was nearly beaming with delight that I had almost asked for something he might give me.

"I have no intention of having you indulge me in anything. I will take the money I have saved to indulge myself, that is if it is a reasonable price." I walked off as I said this, I knew that Edward would be moments away from pretending to be crushed, not that it mattered, I had already made my stance on the subject clear. When I had gotten several strides away from him he quickened his steps and caught up with me. "Well, my darling, are you not even intending to tell me the nature of the inquiry?"

I turned to face him; oh how I did love him! He would walk every mountain on earth if he thought it would make me happy I knew; "I want to see about taking instruction on painting."

"Ah! What a good idea Jane. You are always saying that you lack the skill to paint what you want, and there is no better place to study art than Paris. Now I will be able to see what is really in your mind, but please, Jane, let me pay for the lessons." I was about to open my mouth to protest but he stopped me, "If you let me buy the lessons I will let you buy the supplies—please?"

He was making a pouted face by this time and large crowd of people was making its way over to us, I decided to let him have his way and agreed.

"So, Jane how do your art lessons agree with you?"

I had been taking lessons a week and told him that I was learning a great deal and was very happy with it. While I was taking my lessons Edward had gotten into the habit of visiting the elder Mister Payton. He had seemed to grow comfortable with our surroundings and the feeling of melancholy that he had been carrying seemed to diminish.

"Your lessons will be over in a week, do you think you would like to continue them, I had thought that we might make it to Italy by Christmas, but, of course, if you'd like to stay then we will—what's this? A new piece?"

I had often spent the evening sketching, I had placed several pieces in my portfolio and moved on to one I had started the night before. It was the one he was currently admiring and I blushed slightly. It was a fictitious family portrait of sorts and I hadn't actually intended for Edward to see it. I had first intended to do a sketch of Adele, then, after imagining how she might look as a young woman, I had decided to sketch her just so: before I knew it Adele's older self was sketched accompanied by three small Rochester's: a son and two daughters. "It's nothing but a sketch Edward. Why? Don't you like it?"

The conversation of children had not yet taken place, except that I knew he had told Blanche he did not care for them. "Well, I am not sure, I'd think I'd like to examine it." He then leaned over my lap and put his face directly in front of the picture. He turned to me and kissed me, "This rendering wouldn't be your subtle way of letting me know that we are going to be adding a member to our travels, would it?"

His expression as he said this was quite content as he spoke, I almost felt bad for letting him get his hopes up. "No, at least I don't think so, it was only an imagining. It doesn't mean anything."

"It means something, alright, it means that you have given a great deal of thought into what you think our children would look like. It's very precise. I see the boy looks suspiciously like his father, very good, and one of the girls has acquired you slight features. Also very good. Though not very realistic."

"What makes you say that."

"Well, Jane, it seems that Adele is not yet grown, and the boy is surely ten years old, why we would have to have begun this family before we ever even met." He kissed me again and walked away, "Three is a realistic goal though, I'll keep it in mind."

He smiled and I knew that he was happy in that moment. It was a comfort to know that he did intend for us to have a family one day.

"So, Jane what do you think, Christmas in Paris, or Italy?"

I told him that I would like to think about it over night, and after deciding that I could just as easily continue my lessons there, I decided that we should go as planned and told him so when we awoke.


	4. Chapter 4

"I'm glad that you made the decision Jane, I will love to show you what a warm Christmas is like. We will eat fish on the beach and watch the tide come in."

Before I consented to our departure date, I insisted that Edward and I say a final farewell to Mister Payton who had been so good to Edward during our stay. When we arrived we were greeted by the bellman and lead to the parlor. A group of eager speaking young men passed us in the hall on the way and Mister Payton was waving a farewell at them.

"Ah, Mr. and Mrs. Rochester! How good it is to see you! Why you have the most precise timing. My grandson and his friends were just leaving for the evening: they arrived for the Christmas holiday this morning, won't you be seated?"

We were seated and Edward explained our intention of leaving for Italy and our wish to say goodbye.

"Well, I can't say that I will be pleased to see you go, but I am sure that you will love Italy: especially you, Mrs. Rochester, seeing as though you have never been. I would like to extend an invitation for you to come and stay with me if you are ever passing back though Paris. My door will always be open to you and yours; you have certainly been a comfort to me."

Edward and I thanked him for his hospitality and after a short conversation mainly between Mr. Payton and my husband we said our goodbyes and left our only companion of Paris.

I could see why Edward had wanted to journey to Italy once we were settled there. It was truly an architectural splendor. The culture, the language and the weather were all unique to me and I was not unimpressed by the Mediterranean, which we saw while in Rome. Edward was quite adamant that we should do as much as possible while there and I could not help recalling the feeling that he was trying to gather in as much as possible as if he knew that we would never return.

"Jane, you must let me take you there, I promise you will not find it the least bit indecent. There are separate pools for the men and the women and it is a unique experience. I thought you liked adventure, my darling."

It was a very mild evening in mid-December (an odd statement for someone used to being in England) and Edward was trying with all of his faculties to persuade me to visit one of the popular bath houses he knew of. I was rather reluctant, understandably, once I learned you would be bathing with strangers but his arguments were wise and I was having a difficult time rejecting them as he looked up at me. I was seated on the sofa of our suite; Edward was lying on it with his head in my lap. I reached to brush a stray hair out of his eyes and briefly remembered our engagement and how I had had to resist doing things like that.

"Does that smile mean that you are reconsidering, my love?"

"No, it only means that I can't help but love you even though you are trying to use it to your advantage."

He looked perturbed at having been discovered and sat up.

"My darling, you know me too well, it's almost frightening to be so close to someone. We'll put the issue aside until after Christmas if you prefer—I only hope that you will consent to letting me get you a gift for the occasion." He kissed me on the cheek and got up to fetch the paper off a nearby table. "Of course we will exchange gifts Edward, I will get one for you and you will get one for me. That would be the tradition, would it not?"

He smirked and came back over to me, "Indeed it would. You certainly are a little vixen tonight; I thought that your painting classes had taken away all of your creative edge."

I asked him what he meant by that, I had not been acting different intentionally. "Just what I said Jane, lately you have been a most doting and amiable wife, I had been worried that you were to far away from your faerie people to renew your spells. As a matter of fact I suggested the bath houses to see if it would liven you up. Perhaps we have traveled too much too soon; England to Italy in eight months seemed to have taken quite its toll on you for a while.

I frowned as he said this; by the time we retired to bed it was still on my mind. I realized once he had said this that he was right, I had been rather distant since we left Paris, though I had been in awe of the splendor of the country. When I woke up the next morning, the twenty-third day of December, I was more ill than I could ever remember being. When Edward woke up he insisted that I see a doctor and called one to our room.

"What's going on? Is Jane alright?"

As my consciousness returned I could hear Edward making demands from the other side of the door to our sleeping chambers. He had been waiting patiently for the doctor to come and speak with him, but I knew that his patients would wear off, as they soon did. The doctor, after I explained how important that it was he go and speak to Edward, made his way out of the room: the doctor's wife, Millie, was looking after me while the doctor went to inform my husband of my condition.

She seemed a quiet and dignified woman, but as I was ill, I don't remember having any other thoughts about my first perception of her. She calmly explained to me that I had fainted after a fit of vomiting that morning, something that I was already acutely aware of, Edward had apparently panicked and sent every servant in the hotel in search of the nearest physician. She had just finished telling me to expect a child in the summer, and while I was delighted by the news I did not yet feel well enough to show it and she took my reaction as a negative one.

"Now, don't you worry Mrs. Rochester, I do not think that your husband will see the child as an inconvenience, most men of his age take young wives for the very purpose of gaining an heir. As long as you do what I suggested I do not think that you will have another spell like you did this morning. It's lucky you collapsed, it will give your husband a good idea of how fragile you are and how he should keep his distance until well after the child is born. Many a man is never convinced until something like this happens. I'm greatly surprised that he would have chosen you to mother his children; you are so small and young. You must have had a great dowry to convince him. I think there should be laws against men of his age taking such young brides, how old are you now? Fifteen?

No matter how terrible I had felt upon awaking that morning I could not allow this stranger to come in and make such declarations based off presumptions. I was too weak and tired to argue greatly, but I made sure to give her the correct information. For myself, I would be prone to forgive the comment without making a further one, but I somehow felt it was my duty to my husband to defend him.

"Ma'am, I would like to inform you that I am nineteen years of age, highly educated and greatly in love with my husband. We married one another because we chose to do so, no one influenced our decision with money or otherwise, and if you believe that I should like to stay away from my husband for a matter of a year or more then I would like to suggest to you that you are sadly mistaken, now if you would be so kind to inform your husband of these facts I would greatly appreciate it but please be so kind as to bring my husband to me first. My head is throbbing greatly and I would like nothing more than to sit quietly with my best friend by my side for the remainder of the day."

I felt a pang of guilt at having been so brusque with the woman but as I felt ill I had no desire to appease anyone but myself. I wanted to lie there and contemplate the fact that I was soon to be a mother, not to defend the circumstances surrounding it. Just as I was about to ask if she intended to fetch Edward the door to the parlor opened: Edward and the doctor stepped through. If I had not become so used to Edward's uncanny ability to express two emotions with the same look I would have been curious at how he could look concerned and elated in the same breath. He came straight to my side and took my hand.

"I know, Mrs. Rochester, that you are not feeling well, so my wife and I will say goodbye and excuse ourselves. My wife will send you a list of several reputable midwives before long. I wish you both well, oh, and Merry Christmas."

Once the doctor and his wife had left I had thought Edward would immediately offer his opinion, after some minutes of sitting quietly by my side I guessed that he was waiting on me to say something first.

"I have no idea what you are waiting on Edward, I don't know what to say until you say something first--" I was going to say something else but was interrupted when Edward handed me a small box I didn't realize he had been holding. He leaned in and kissed me on the cheek, "Merry Christmas darling."

It was a gift. My first real Christmas gift and I couldn't fathom why he was trying to give it to me at that moment rather than discussing the issue at hand: the look on his face told me that nothing in the world mattered to him at that moment but my pleasure at finding out what was inside the petite, wrapped box.

I unwrapped the box quickly and he took the paper from me as I pried the lid opened. Inside was a sterling silver baby's rattle. I turned it over in my hands and read the inscription, 'To my darling child, I loved you before I met you, love Papa.'

I looked at Edward and he was still sitting there, the same grin on his face as before, he saw the question in my eyes and answered it before I had asked; "This isn't your gift Jane. I had my suspicions of the child a few weeks ago, while we were on route from Paris to here. I thought that I could give this gift no matter what the situation, but I'm glad that my suspicions were correct. Are you?"

"Of course I'm glad. Why did you keep your suspicions from me? Were you afraid I would be disappointed?"

"On one hand I thought that you would be disappointed if you weren't and on the other I thought you would have wanted to find out on your own and then tell me. You aren't angry with me Jane?"

I picked up his hand, still entwined in mine, and kissed it. "No, no, I can't be angry with you for considering my feelings. So, you aren't surprised by this news?"

"I was only surprised to find you so sick this morning. When you fainted I barely caught you."

"Will we go back to Thornfield now?"

"Go back to Thornfield? It would take weeks of constant travel by carriage, after what I saw today I don't think you could handle it. The doctor told me to make sure you stayed in bed as much as possible."

"Oh." I could barely contain my disappointment; I wanted Adele and Mrs. Fairfax to be with me through this, I had never been with a woman who was expecting, I knew nothing about it. I also had no experience with children under age six and I feared that Edward would be disappointed in me when he found out that I didn't have any idea what to do.

"I'm sorry Jane, once the child is born I will see what can be done to get us to Thornfield, though I think that you will feel better about it once you receive my gift tomorrow. Why don't you try to get some sleep, it has already been a long day. I will place dinner orders and wake you when it gets here."

I nodded in approval, and was soon asleep, though not as peacefully as I would have wished.

I was standing on a precipice overlooking some undefined body of water. I wasn't up very high and for that reason I was confused by the almost tangible fear that I felt in being there. I was not as surprised to find an infant sleeping in my arms.

Almost as soon as I saw the child it awakened and began to cry; I was terrified when I couldn't keep it quiet. I knew that it would give away my location. Who I was hiding from was not certain. I only knew that staying meant that I would never see my Edward again.

"Good morning Jane, did you sleep well?" Edward was up and about early the next morning; it seemed I had had the dream without waking him.

"I had another dream last night Edward, did I wake you?"

"No, darling, if I had known I would have woke you up. Would you like to talk about it?"

I smiled at him and started to get out of bed, I certainly felt better as I remembered the news of the day before and realized that this particular morning was Christmas day. "No, Edward, it has no place on Christmas day. Would you object to our former plans of attending services?"

He came over to me and kissed me passionately. "Darling, if you feel like going then that is certainly what we will do, but not before I can tell you about your gift." I was confused as to why he needed to tell me about my gift instead of simply giving it to me.

"I would have loved to take you to your gift instead of telling you about it, unfortunately, I don't think that you are up to it after yesterday, it is half a day's ride, and then we would have to come back. So I will have to be satisfied with telling you about it. Jane, I bought us a home on the sea shore; absolutely beautiful by description, though I haven't actually seen it. I wanted to see it for the first time with you."


	5. Chapter 5

I gave Edward a new pipe for his gift, it certainly couldn't compare to a home for ourselves and our child but he seemed to appreciate the thought. By the time we returned from church I was feeling ill again so we spent the afternoon going over what he knew of the villa.

"From what I was told the servants who served under the former owners have agreed to stay, so we don't even have to search for new help. The back of the house leads down to the beachfront, and the servants quarters are on the side. It is a small place, about a quarter of what Thornfield is, but I intend to stay near you and with the baby, I don't see why we couldn't do with only a few bed chambers. Of course, we can put in a studio one of the rooms, if you wish, or shall I say, if you'll let me."

I smiled at his comment, "As I understand it, the woman of the house is in charged of assigning purposes to rooms."

"And is this a task that you will be willing to take on?"

"Of course, Edward. You know that I have never lived in a home furnished as I wish and I think it will be a great accomplishment to do so. Thank you for the gift, Edward, I think it will be wonderful."

"I see your countenance change, dear, what are you thinking of?"

"I was only thinking that it is a shame that it will be so long until I can see everyone from Thornfield."

"Don't worry, my Janet, we will go and see them in time, or we could even get them to come here. Once we are settled I can see about getting Adele here if you wish. Would that be satisfactory?"

I nodded in approval but secretly wondered why he was so determined to stay in this area. I soon left to take a nap: when I awoke I felt as though I had misjudged Edward. Perhaps he only wanted to live in an area he was fond of; perhaps he wanted to show me what other parts of the world were like. Perhaps the nagging anguish in my heart did not mean that he was trying to hide me from the world. Perhaps he wasn't secretly ashamed of his choice in wife.

It was two months before we made preparations to move into our villa. I had already met with many artists and carpenters to discuss furnishings for our home, sight unseen. I was nervous about the choices that I made, I was worried that Edward would not think the linens fine enough or the parlor furniture elegant enough, but if that was how he felt he certainly never expressed it to me, instead forever commenting on my fine eye.

When we finally arrived I was in awe of the property and the view of the sea. I could finally understand why Edward had been so adamant about living here. The air form the sea kept me ill for the first week of our arrival, but I soon grew accustomed to it and began to ready the home for the arrival of a child: I often kept so busy that I had little time to think of things other than the tasks at hand, it was therefore unexpected when my Uncle John's letter caught up with me from our hotel in Rome.

"Jane, darling, you have a letter. Sophia has just delivered it to me. It is from your Uncle. I have a suspicion that it arrived some days ago, but she most likely forgot all about it."

"How are you feeling, my love, can I get you anything?" I had just awakened from a nap when Edward came into the bed chamber to deliver the letter.

I smiled as I heard him recount his version of the letter's delivery. It was true Sophia could be forgetful, but she was elderly and a kind and loyal servant besides. I would not allow Edward to lecture her, or her husband, for their collective forgetfulness. I was convinced that they were an asset to the house.

Edward had been greatly sympathetic to my general tiredness over the last few months, and I knew that he worried, though there had not been any more fainting spells since the day before Christmas. I told Edward that I was not in need of anything and quickly turned my attention to my letter. Edward stood nearby, as ready as I was to find out what it said.

"Well, Jane? Does your distant Uncle wish to meet you? Is he still wanting to adopt you?"

I could hear the smirk in Edward's voice, he thought that my needing a parental figure was a ridiculous concept, I knew. He had often commented that I must have had the mind of an adult even as a child to come up with some of the ideas that I had. I couldn't debate him on the point.

"Actually, yes. He was very surprised to hear that I was alive and well, and would very much like to meet with me to discuss his estate. He asks that I go to Madeira to meet him though, he says that his health is not well enough to accommodate the trip."

"Neither is yours at the moment, Jane. You should write him back and explain that you are recently married and not able to travel right now yourself. See if he responds to that, my dear. No doubt that his next letter will inquire as to whom you wed."

"Why shouldn't I tell him now? Are you ashamed of your association of me?"

The old worries resurfaced and I was concerned that he still did not wish my family members to know that he had married me.

Edward looked taken back by the question and then I saw his demeanor fall into a frown and a glare. He sat beside me on the bed and took my hand in his. "Jane, I would never, NEVER, be ashamed of you, darling. I love you. I simply don't deserve you and I--."

Edward paused and took a deep breathe as if to clear his thoughts. "Jane, the reason I ask you to hesitate in your naming your husband to your Uncle is because I fear he would not approve. The truth is that in my younger life I spent quite a bit of time in Madeira and I was not the gentleman that I should have been and I fear that your Uncle may have heard of me through reputation. It has nothing to do with you except that I don't want to hurt you. Please understand Jane, I think that you are the best thing to ever happen to me and I fear that you will learn of so many of my faults that your preference for me will one day change. I should have warned you sooner, Jane."


	6. Chapter 6

Edward had been mysteriously reflective and silent after his confession of his time in Madeira. We both spent much of our time in quiet reflection; he would turn to me at on occasion and bring upon me a sad smile that made my heart want to break. I knew that he had somehow convinced himself that his past actions had caused me harm. I tried to reassure him the best I could, I reminded him frequently that I did not care what my uncle's opinion of him was, and that my opinion of my beloved husband had not changed.

"I know Jane; I know that you don't see the damage that I have done, the cruelty in me for marrying you when doing so meant to taint your name. I am a selfish fool my darling and you are a saint for having the patience to put up with me. A saint, a loving wife, a faerie and a minx: that is truly what you are Jane and I love you dearly for it."

He continued in this fashion for several weeks though I often tried to devise ways of cheering him. We would talk frequently of buying a boat to sail, and we would spend time in the stables brushing down the horses many days after tea.

It was almost a week before I sent a letter back to my uncle. I had decided to include all of the events of my life to date: it included details of my marriage to Edward and the impending child. I was determined to prove to Edward that my uncle would not judge my choice harshly based on something Edward had done some fifteen years prior.

Weeks passed with no word from my Uncle and Edward continued in his brooding state of mind, though he did try to act as though he were happy in my presence. If I had been any other woman other than his wife I might have been fooled, he doted on me and the arrival of our child, but I knew that his smiles faltered as soon as I could no longer see them. I would be going in and out of rooms for various reasons, to paint, to organize, to clean, when I would catch him staring into the fire lost in deep sorrows: it troubled me greatly because I had always hoped that our marriage would remove those thoughts that troubled him from his weary mind. Yes, in my naivety I had vowed to rescue him from his world of grief, though time now proved that these thoughts he harbored were so old and so removed from his current state that I could not touch them, but I was still bound and determined to see that they kept away as much as possible.

As the date of my child's birth daily grew nearer I was plagued by the existence of another, quite different child: the one now ever-present in my dreams. My nights had become inseparable from the dreams that I knew awaited me in sleep, as a result, my rest became fitful and I spent many nights watching my husband sleep by my side. Soon, he too became unable to sleep, his apprehension of my uncle's response, my lack of sleep, and the child that grew within me daily were all at fault, I was sure and I knew that Edward needed some sort of distraction from his ever present worries. Later that day I asked Edward if we might go to town and shop.

"Shop? My Jane wants to go shopping? Why, I daresay that this is a special occasion. May I ask what it is that you are shopping for?"

Edward's mood had brightened considerably at the suggestion, which is what I had hoped and I was glad to indulge him. I preferred his sarcasm over his melancholy any day of the week. I pretended to be mildly upset by his teasing as I responded. "There is no need to look so smug Edward. In case it has not been brought to your attention I have grown very large with child, I think that that should entitle me to a least one new garment, the one I wear now has stretched out it pleats: and of course Sophia and I can only sew so quickly, I think that we should consider purchasing a few items of clothing for the baby as well."

I would have said more but Edward's expression made me pause, he was grinning as if he had just won a bet and I was curious as to why. "What is it that you are thinking of to bring such an expression to your face Edward?"

He turned to me and smiled wider. "I was only thinking that you must have finally warmed up to the idea of being my wife, now you wish to spend our money the way I always meant. It amuses me, darling that's all. Tell me, was it your plan all along to pretend as if you didn't want me to buy you things, and then wait until I gave up to demand it of me."

Reader, I knew that Edward was only teasing me. I saw the sparkle in his eye, and the lighthearted expression on his face, but I could not help myself from having my feelings hurt. I began crying before I could stop myself and immediately felt foolish for it. Edward saw this and came straight to me and wiped the tears from my face, gathering me into his arms. "Oh, my darling, wonderful Jane, I'm sorry sweetheart. I didn't mean to upset you. I forget how such a condition affects a woman's nerves, Jane. I know that you are only trying to prepare: that you aren't bent on spending money." He kissed the top of my head and was trying to sooth me as best he could, I was still crying, I tried to stop but the tears came despite my own wishes. "I'm sorry Edward, I know that you were only teasing, I don't know why I am crying, I can't seem to stop; I feel so ridiculous!" I was then laughing and crying and Edward joined in my absurdity. "It's alright Jane, I understand."

He called for Sophia and presently had a cold wet cloth to cover my fevered face and a cup of tea to follow. I was soon feeling much better, even if completely embarrassed. "Now, Jane, are you feeling more like yourself?"

I nodded in agreement and he called to Sophia again to tell Fredric to have the carriage ready to go early in the morning. That night was the first in several weeks that we both slept completely through the night and I could not have been more grateful.

I soon decided, upon arrival, that a day out in town was exactly what was needed to relieve both of us from our worries. Edward had insisted that we order a terribly expensive cradle for the baby while I was waiting on the fabric I had requested to be measured and cut. I had wanted simple colors for the material for the baby's clothes; he, in his usual habit, had insisted that we purchase the brightest bolts in the store.

We returned home, both our spirits lifted, and I called to Sophia to come and see the fabrics that I had bought and she immediately made her selection for a quilt that she wanted to make for the nursery. I turned them over to her and she began to walk towards the door, turning as she was about to leave and coming back. "Mrs. Rochester, I forgot to tell you that I have contacted several reputable ladies to be interviewed. I thought you might want to make the decision soon, you'll want the nurse to be here when the babe arrives."

The near toothless old woman grinned and I thanked her for being so considerate, I think she looked forward to the baby's arrival as much as we did. She gave me an arthritic curtsey and left the room.

The ladies I was required to interview began to arrive the next morning and I enlisted Edward to help me with the decision, as I had never had the task of hiring help before. We settled on a large Italian woman, who had been a nurse to seventeen children in her lifetime, she seemed a kind Christian woman who would be more than capable of doing what we required since we were both determined to spend as much time tending our child as possible.

She settled herself into our home the following week, and I felt sure that all would be well in our home in time for the arrival of our child.


	7. Chapter 7

During my time at our villa off the Mediterranean I was exceedingly glad for each day and could not help but divine and relish in my company: since my marriage each day had been a gift, I knew that as long as Edward and I were together I would not be bothered by things that occurred in my life outside of our control. I was exceedingly happy and never more so than in the quiet mornings when Edward and I would sit out on our terrace facing the sea. It was as if we had already ascended into heaven and I daily contemplated what it was that I had done to deserve such a tranquil existence.

It was one such morning when Edward and I were having a casual breakfast outside. I was gazing out onto the beautiful water and watching the waves crest upon the shore as I had developed a habit of doing when Edward suddenly decided to come out of his deep contemplation.

"Tell me Jane, what do you think of the name Ruth if it is a girl?"

Edward had interrupted my thoughts, as similar to his as they were and it took me a moment to realize what it was that he had said

"I thought that I would name her after my school friend Helen, but I would like Ruth for a middle name. Sissy (the nurse) told me that we should not discuss naming the baby until we can be sure that it will survive, she says that many parents wait a year or more before naming their child--do you think that we should postpone naming the baby?"

Edward began to look indignant: he spoke colorful curse to himself before turning back to me, "Jane, my darling, I know that the nursemaid is only trying to be of help, but I wish she would not discuss such things with you. There is no reason to think that the child will not be healthy, you and I feel the child moving daily, and I happen to know that Adele was named at birth with no worries: why, what does she think we are to call the child during its first year, Child. That is hardly something I would consider, just because a child is young doesn't mean that it doesn't deserve to be given a Christian name. I see that I am going to have to have a discussion with her so that she will not put such worries into your mind. Now, I demand that you stop worrying, we will name the child after your friend Helen and Ruth will be her middle name, unless of course it is a boy: by your accounts she will be named after a spectacular young woman and it will pride me to no end if she is but similar in character and grace."

I faltered for what to say in response, I simply agreed. When Sissy had given me the information I had been grateful to have a woman in my company familiar with the goings on of infants. I had not been in fear of what she was telling me, I suppose it was Edward who had been disturbed by the discussion.

The rest of the day I spent in my studio, I had taken it into my head to paint a seascape for the nursery and I was determined to finish it before the baby came. I went to sleep that night thinking of Helen: later I had the longest of my dreams to date. I had never considered myself fearful of being lost in my dreams, but as this particular one took place I felt as though it were the nightmare I had been dreading through all my other nightmares; it would surely be the end of something.

I found myself in my own villa in this dream, it was the first time my dreams had ever included this setting and I was immediately aware of a great physical pain. Anguish tore through me and I was unable to focus on anything going on around me for the first few moments. Eventually, a voice broke through the pain: it was a voice that I had never heard before; it was as wary in sound as I felt. As I was listening to the frantic woman I grew aware of someone calling for Edward, I soon realized it was my own voice as yet another woman came to me and tried to calm me down. "Edward is not hear Miss. I need you to stay calm. It's very important."

I panicked when I heard that he wasn't there, Edward was almost always near me and a renewed sense of dread washed over me.

I heard myself ask where he was as the woman placed a newspaper in my lap. I didn't have a chance to focus on it as I was trying with all of my will to hear what it was she was trying to tell me, her words seemed blurred and I heard the words, "won't be coming", then, "don't understand why you can't forget". I had no idea what she meant: I didn't have long to ponder it before a child was placed in my arms. The child was about three, almost no longer a baby, and I accepted the child with a complacency that I regarded as an acceptance of some burden I couldn't place or remove. The first woman I saw came back to me and tried to make me understand something in the paper I couldn't seem to get my eyes to focus on: the words were a blur and I knew it was because I was crying. A very few minutes later, I saw that the two women were taking their leave of me and I saw that they had little tolerance of me despite the fact that they had just been trying to help me. They were exclaiming cruel remarks at my expense as they exited the room. I was left to my own tears as the child in my arms tried to loose itself: I sat it down and it promptly went to the chair beside the bed. A moment later the door opened again and I was greeted by a man that I had met before, it was the man whose life I had guarded with my own at Thornfield, a one Richard Mason.

Mr. Mason came into the chamber as if he had done so as a force of habit. He immediately reached for the child and held it to him; the child seemed to recognize him immediately. He didn't say anything but pointed at the paper. I was finally too perplexed to feel my grief and I happened to glance at the paper. I was gazing upon the figure of the woman that had begun to plague my dreams almost as much as the child did. It was the same creature that I had thought I had encountered at Thornfield on the night before my wedding. I flung the paper across the room, almost as if it had bitten me, and demanded to know why Mason was there and showing it to me.

He turned very sadly and handed the child down to the floor. It ran away to the opposite side of the room and Mason told me, as if for the hundredth time, that Edward was not coming back and that I must resolve the issue of the woman whose face always eluded me.

Unlike my other dreams, I awoke slowly and sleepily as though I had dreamed of nothing, it took a certain amount of courage to glance at my side, I fully expected to not see Edward there; when I finally did have the courage to look he was fast asleep right beside me and my heart lurched at the sight of him. I felt the pain of the dream wash over me and dissolve, like water on a warm day. I clung to his sleeping form, as I was prone to do, and cried.


	8. chapter 8

"Oh, Jane, my darling, how I wish I could keep these dreams from you."

"I am sorry too Edward. If I only knew why they occurred I think I might be able to stop them, oh Edward, the dream was awful. I think I dreamt that everyone was trying to tell me that you had died Edward. I don't want you to die."

"Don't apologize Jane, of course you can't determine what happens in your dreams."

I burrowed my face into his chest and cried again. I knew that Edward was with me, and alive and well, and that I had no reason to expect him to pass away, but a part of my mind insisted that the dream was a warning, it was the end: an end that would leave me without Edward unless I could find a way to prevent it.

Just like the water outside of our villa, the tide in our relationship changed slightly that day. Whereas in the past it was Edward who bore the face of being in an insufferable mood and I trying to cheer him, I found that his old expressions had begun to haunt my own countenance and that Edward was now the one trying to constantly cheer me. I would have been agitated at his attempts to spoil me if I hadn't been so afraid that at any moment he would disappear from my life and never been seen by me again.

After breakfast the one morning a few days later Edward and I took our customary walk along the shore, though the trip had grown quite short in the past several days. I knew that it was not long before my child was due and I was told by various members of the household that I must now stay almost continually in bed to conserve my energy. This particular morning I had compelled Edward to spend more time with me out of doors.

I had awoke that morning to a renewed state of mind. I had not had another dream of any kind since the last, which had had me in a foul mood ever since, and I found myself willing to look at life once again on the side of happiness that I had adopted since that night in the gardens of Thornfield when Edward had asked me to be his wife.

"You like being on the Mediterranean don't you Jane? I had a feeling that you would enjoy the air here and grow to love it."

Ordinarily Edward would have taken the opportunity to tease me about such matters, but he relented, I suppose because he knew that I had developed an over-sensitivity to such things in the last weeks. Even still, I could tell by the look on his face that he was thinking of what he would have liked to have said even if he didn't express it. I shoved him away from me and tried not to laugh at his abashed expression.

"I know what you are thinking dear husband and I am exceedingly glad that you were able to keep your mouth shut."

He paused as I said this and placed both hands on his hips as he starred at me incredulously. "Are you accusing me of keeping a jest from you, my darling little minx and daily-renewed love of my life. I assure you that once I think of a tease grand enough to lay sacrifice at your feet I will offer it, so you may wait your proper due, my love."

"Very well, Edward. Very well."

Edward once again grabbed my hand, but we continued to remain stationary. He was in a delightfully playful mood this morning, or seemingly so because of my own renewed state of mind, and I could not help but go tête a tête with him for a few more moments.

"Very well indeed, Jane. I always knew that you were a little vixen, even when I first met you. When you proclaimed yourself my equal I had my proof. Now you are sparring me into a friendly round of tongue lashing, well, Janet, I have news for you. For today I do not yield the floor to you, for today is the one year anniversary of our wedding and I will have my way today, if no other.

At this time Edward turned and took a knee in front of where I stood. He had in his free hand a small box. He thrust it towards me and I took it into my hand, I then saw that it was a jewelry casket. I almost rejected it and started to ask Edward what he meant. He knew what I was about apparently, "Jane, I told you that I will have my way today, and I must have you accept this gift. I know that you are not accustomed to that trick but you must eventually learn to accept a gift graciously. Open it."

I gave in, I had found in our year of marriage that we were both almost equally stubborn and I new that when Edward was determined he would make sure that a point was argued until I saw his side of it. He had determined that I was stubborn some time before I discovered the same flaw in him.

I hesitantly opened the box. In it was a small piece of paper, I was a little surprised because, knowing Edward's fondness of jewelry I thought that is what I would find. Instead there was the paper: wrapped inside were four tickets. They were for a ship destined for America; the sailing date was a year in the future. I looked at Edward in a silent question, one which he was apparently ready to answer. "So, Jane, what do you think? I had thought that we should visit America, and had originally planned to leave sooner, but thought that we might give ourselves a chance to adapt to parenthood before leaving, and of course, the other ticket is for Adele, since I believe you will have her living here not long after you settle with the baby. You only think that you have traveled Jane, just wait until you plant your feet in the harbor of New York. It is a different sort of culture over there Jane; it should be a learned experience."

Indeed, I had never in my wildest fancies imagined that we would travel to America, and the gift was most unexpected. "I'm sorry, Edward, I didn't know that gifts should be given on such an occasion, I didn't get you anything."

Edward let out a laugh that was so loud I feared people would come checking to see if something was amiss. "Oh Janet, you are truly remarkable, I lay the trip of a lifetime at your feet and ask you what you think, you only comment on not having a gift to give to me. I simply thought that this was a special day that deserved some acknowledgment. I would have given the tickets another day otherwise. Besides, Jane, you give me a gift every day." He kissed me gently and started to walk away: I noticed that he was whistling. I had never heard Edward whistle before. I tucked the tickets into my gown and followed him back to the house. He slowed down considerably to wait on me. When I approached him he swept me up into his strong arms and carried me into our home.


	9. Chapter 9

I rose early the next morning, and was glad to see that Edward was still asleep. I struggled to remove myself from my bed and managed to silently don my robe and take myself out of our bedchambers. I ran into Sophia in the hallway, who, as I had expected, chastised me for being out of bed and tried to convince me to return.

"Thank you for your concern Sophia, but I think it does me no good to spend all day in bed, it is bad for the digestion. Why don't you tell the cook to get started on breakfast for Edward and me and bring the paper? I will meet Edward on the veranda when he is ready."

"Yes, Mrs. Rochester, I will."

I watched Sophia turn to go and briefly thought about calling her back; I had the feeling that I had hurt her sensibilities by not heeding her advice.

"Jane, you don't have to feel bad about that, you are not in debt to the help for their advice, you may take it when you wish or leave it as you wish, you know that."

I had just relayed that morning's discussion with Sophia to Edward and received exactly the answer that I had thought he would give. After sitting out on the veranda the better part of the morning we moved inside to our sitting room. Edward and I had both read the paper, and he had spent some time answering letters while I discussed issues that needed to be tended to in the house.

After his correspondences were taken care of, Edward escorted me out to the beach and I was, as always, astounded by the sight. I often could see nothing in front of me but the water and the falling sun and I was always reminded of God's awesome power. I also realized at those times why Edward had brought me here. It was truly a place where we could feel as though we were the only two people on earth. A modern day Adam and Eve, to us this place was surely paradise.

As usual Edward and I were in high spirits when we returned from our walk; Sophia met us at the door and told us that a visitor had arrived. As the letter I had suspected from my uncle had yet to arrive I briefly thought that he may have decided to make the trip in person. Sophia told Edward that there were several men waiting to speak with him in the parlor. My curiosity diminished when I learned that the visitors were there to see Edward, he sometimes had men come to speak with him about business opportunities in the area. Once Edward excused himself, I made my way to my studio and continued the work on the seascape I had nearly finished. A few minutes later I heard exclaimed voices coming from the parlor and then the sounds diminished, concerned I opened the door to my studio and saw Edward and another man coming toward me, Edward seemed angry, perhaps more so than I had ever seen him before. When he approached he gently pushed me back through the door and closed it behind him, I noticed that the other gentleman had assessed the layout of the room before the door was closed, but seemed content to stand on the other side.

Edward drew me to a chair on the far wall and grabbed a towel from my stand so that I could clean my paint stained fingers.

He knelt in front of me and took both my hands into his, pausing briefly to press his ear to my swollen belly.

When he looked up I could see the tears about to break through their dam in his eyes.

"Jane, my darling, I must speak with you now, and quickly for something has occurred that can't be dealt with swiftly."

He paused briefly and I nodded in understanding as a flash of wariness flooded over my person. I had never seen him look the way that he did then: I braced myself as best I could before he continued; though I was sure that it could not possibly be as bad as he had implied, and even if it was I knew that we would find a way through it together.

I must have shuddered as if to move because Edward squeezed my hands tighter as if to hold me still. His gaze drifted and settled on our entwined hands. "Jane, there is no easy way to say this, and I lack the time to tarry. I have done something awful, Jane. It is a crime that I have committed and the authorities have located me: they are here to take me in. I know that this is a shock to you Jane, and I pleaded with the police to give me leave to speak with you before they take me back to London. I explained your condition and they relented, but only for a few minutes so listen carefully. I have lied to you Jane. I have committed a multitude of sins and above them all, I have lied to you."

He paused and took a deep breath, so hurried were his words that I had no doubt that he needed it. I sat and waited for some definition of this lie. I did not have to wait long.

"Jane I—I, I am not your husband and you are not my wife."

I didn't know what to do when he told me this, so I sat quietly, waiting on what he would say next, though I felt all of the blood rush from my face as my skin paled . "Jane, I say that we are not married, but I fear you misinterpret that: in my heart we are very much married, but the law—the law says that we are not, and I am to blame for that."

He paused to swallow, he had not yet met my eyes, but he did then, I will always remember the look in his eyes and the sound of his voice as he spoke, both were full of conviction and misery. He believed what he said, and he was desperate to show me that he had not meant to cause me grief. "The law says that I am married to another, Jane: a woman that I was tricked into marriage to sixteen years ago. She now lives at Thornfield. She is Grace Poole's charge." He paused again, no doubt trying to decide what he had time to tell me and what he would have to omit. "That woman I married so many years ago Jane, she is mad and I was forced to keep her hidden away at Thornfield because I promised her brother that I would take care of her, you know him, his name is Richard Mason."

As he reviled these facts to me I could do nothing, but I knew that I was shaking my head in disbelief. He reached up and took my head between his hands to still it.

"She was the one that attacked Richard that night. It was she who tried to burn me in my bed the night you came in and rescued me. She is the person you saw the night your veil was ripped one year ago. When I thought that she would hurt you, you can not know how I longed to remove you from where she was. Her name is Bertha Antoinetta."

There was a knock at the door that kept him from continuing. A rough voice alerted him that he had two minutes left.

"Jane. Please know that I love you, and I love our child, and when my sentence is through I will come back to you if you will allow it--though I would understand if you no longer wished to see me. Please, don't worry about me Jane, at least until the baby is born. One of the officers wants to stay here and ask you some questions. I don't want you to tell them anything except what really happened. Do you understand?"

I heard everything that he was saying but it was like one of my nightmares. I expected to wake up at any moment, to wake up in my bed with Edward beside me, but too, I knew that this would not be the case. Edward had committed a crime, against me, against his wife, against his country and against God. I nodded in agreement, for I understood what was happening and what was expected of me, even though I was not sure that I could achieve it.

"Jane, Oh my darling Jane, I am so very sorry, I never meant to have you find out about this, and especially not in this way. Please, please, go back to Thornfield when you can and do make sure that you use the money I saved for you in Paris. When I arrive at my destination I will write you to let you know how to reach me." He paused again as tears came down his cheeks and he whipped at them with the sleeve of my dress, the closest fabric to him. I was still unable to react, I was only watching my surroundings as if I was seeing some play in Paris.

"I know that you will find it difficult to forgive me in the days to come, Jane, but please know that I did not mean to deceive you, I only knew that we had to be together and that I must do what I could to have you, I knew that you would have never came to me if you knew the truth, Jane. But we are meant to be together, it is our destiny and if circumstances had not been what they were, I would have never have let my father trick me into marriage to that woman. It is a decision that I have regretted since the very day I allowed it to happen Jane. You must have faith in me."

The door opened then and a large officer walked into the room. "Jane, please find it in your heart to forgive me, I love so very much, and if you will allow it, I will make it up to you darling." He took my hand, which he had been holding for the last few minutes and kissed it before standing to face the officer. The man led Edward out of the room and soon returned. He did not begin talking right away, and as I waited for his questioning to begin, he tried to hand me one of his handkerchiefs. I looked at it as if it was a foreign object and then realized he had offered it because I had silent tears rolling down my face. He sighed when I did not accept it and put it away.

Once I had composed myself the questioning began and I related to him what I knew. After a half hour he agreed that I was innocent and gave me the address of the prison Edward would be assigned to before his trial in London. He excused himself then: I was left alone in the darkened room and contemplated the events of the past few hours.

As the last of the sunset finally descended, my body suddenly shook and I felt as though my nerves had suddenly multiplied and grown to their full capacity. Even my soul burned with grief and misery, it was the same grief and misery that I had heard in Edward's voice earlier, it took root in my heart and began to eat at me.

No longer could I sit in stunned and quiet silence, it did no good. I did not know the entire story, but I knew that I had been betrayed by the man I had given my whole heart to. Many questions flooded my mind until I was nearly exhausted, what was I to do? Where was I to go? What about my child? How would I explain to it that it was a bastard, that its mother had been deceived into a false marriage? As I paced the floors of my studio what was left of my grief and shock suddenly turn to a type of desperate fury I had not felt since my childhood in Lowood: it took all of the composure I had left to keep myself steady on my feet as I went to the guest bedchamber. I knew that I could not and would not fall asleep in my own chamber that night.

I looked upon the near empty room and through my clenched jaw and blurred vision felt it completely suitable. It was as empty as my mind would have liked to have been: I placed myself on the bed.

Hours later I decided that the servants had probably learned what had happened: no one came into the chamber that night and for that I was truly grateful. I wept bitterly for some hours before falling asleep. My paradise was lost and I knew what it must have been like to be thrown from the gates of Eden. It was as if the earth had closed in on itself. The sea that had been at my door earlier had surely drawn up into a mere puddle, and the world seemed empty as I drifted into a deep and empty sleep.


	10. Chapter 10

I awoke the next morning to find that my breakfast tray had been left at my side, a letter nearby. I had not known what to expect in that morning, I felt as though I were the only person still existing on earth, as though the letter and food had mysteriously appeared by some inhuman hand. It did not matter to me by what hand it had been brought, I had no interest in either.

In that first moment, I would have liked to have asked God to take me out of the world, but in the next I felt my unborn child move inside of me, and I knew that I was not alone, and that I had no choice but to move on with my life, if not for myself then at least for the sake of my child.

Determined to do so, I knew that I must rely on the Lord for the strength to get me through this ordeal. I was grateful that I had been exonerated from any blame in Edward's scheme by the police, I also knew that even though I had been guilty of a multitude of sins, God would forgive me of my sins and that I would be able to rely on him in what would surely be a challenge in the days to come.

I forced my self to get out of the bed; I had no appetite so I reached for the letter first. It was from the estate of my Uncle John, I was surprised to see the letter to say the least; anything regarding him was the farthest enterprise from my mind that morning.

The letter, as I read it seemed to hold all the answers to the questions that had surrounded me in the last several hours. Upon hearing whom it was that I married Uncle John had apparently recognized Edward's name and knew that he was already married. The name Bertha Antoinetta Rochester was mentioned frequently. Just as Edward had said to me, Richard Mason was again identified as her brother, and as a friend of my uncle. It was apparently common knowledge in Madeira that Edward was a married man of many years; he and she had been married in Jamaica, but Richard had since moved to Madeira and often told of his well married sister. The letter also clearly indicated that it was my uncle who had sent word to Mason of our false marriage and he had solicited a Mr. Briggs to follow up on the matter. That is precisely what he was doing when he accompanied the English police to Italy to arrest Edward.

As I thought back to what Edward had told me in the days before I told my uncle of my marriage I realized why he had wanted to prevent me from giving my uncle his name, he indeed did not want to be recalled to the memory of anyone in Madeira for fear that his secrets would be disclosed.

It hardened my heart to think that Edward had schemed against me so, that he was too much of a coward to admit that he had another wife before he took me. Surely I loved him enough that we could have found a way to remain friends even though we could never speak our love, couldn't we? I did not know. I could not know what I would have done in such a situation for the time was passed, and I had no time for considering anything but the future.

I read on in the letter. Apparently my uncle was too ill to rescue me himself, or even to pen his own letters. The letter stated that I was more than welcomed to bring myself and my child to Madeira to stay with him, he would always make sure that we were provided for; he apparently had no difficulty believing that Edward could deceive me as he had. One hundred pounds was enclosed with the letter, it was to be used to travel to him.

After reading the letter I was shocked to say the least. This man whom I had never met had forgiven me unconditionally and was ready to accept an unwed mother into his home, and yet I could not help but look to the news with animosity, he had single handedly destroyed my perfectly peaceful, if oblivious, world of happiness. Would I have ever learned the truth if I had not sent the letter? I could not say, but I knew, as I am sure that Edward knew, that there was little chance that our indiscretion would be found out otherwise, especially once we had crossed over into America.

I understood perfectly then all of Edward's actions during our marriage: the tour had been his way of fleeing, everything else a way of keeping me from being suspicious. I did not know then what his motive was, surely my company was not worth the trouble, the risk involved in his scheming. Two days before I had believed Edward when he said that he loved me, believed that he loved me as much as I loved him, now I was not certain what I should believe; all that I could say for certain was that Edward had lied to me about one thing, had he lied about everything?

I threw the letter and the money to the floor, it was like looking at a grizzly accident, I laid myself back onto the bed and looked at nothing, my mind was so full of all of the questions of my life that I had no idea what was around me. I realized then that I no longer knew myself as I once had, I only knew myself now as an ignorant, naïve, gullible girl, a girl who had gotten herself into a dreadful situation with no way out. Where was the determined, intelligent girl of a year ago? I closed my eyes against the torture of my tears and knew the answer. That girl was gone and had been for some time.

When had she gone: the day of my marriage, the day after? No, I knew that she had slowly disappeared like a mist on an April morning like the ones I had taken strolls through at Thornfield.

Ah, Thornfield; where I had once been so filled with hopes and dreams! Edward had told me to go back there, I knew not why, in my anger I could think of no reason. I had allowed myself to lose that equality I had proclaimed to Edward there and had let it become an old, washed up thing of little importance in my life.

It was God's grace that got me through that day, for Edward had lied to me and it was the end of everything that I had held in reverence for the last year of my life, I was once again Jane Eyre, ruined, former governess of Thornfield Hall.

As I dressed and readied myself the following day I concluded that I had only left to plan for my future life and grieve for the one that I had just left behind.

As the current situation stood, I could only lay in wait for the birth of my child.

During that day, however, I was not able to get as much rest as I would have liked; the servants had determined they could hold their tongues no longer.

After a few individual inquiries I decided that I must postpone personal matters to pursue the matters of business. I knew that many a mistress (for as much as I hated to admit it, that is what I had been) had lived in a home purchased with their lover's funds. I also knew that this did not diminish their status as mistress over their household; I made sure that all of my servants knew this, and many of them conceded. Sophia told me later in private that she was only relieved that she would still be allowed to live there and receive an income; I knew that Edward kept some money in the house and that, for the time being, we would have plenty if I budgeted wisely.

After a brief nap I was awakened by a knock on my door. It was the nursemaid, Sissy: I allowed her to enter. When she came in I immediately was able to tell that she had something important she wished to discuss, she sat her heavy frame down into a chair near the door and drew out a sigh before speaking, "Ms. Eyre, as you know, I have been a nurse for many years and I have attended many children, but I must tell you that I have never taken on a position such as this one." She cleared her throat and looked me in the eye, "What I mean to say, of course, is that I have never attended the child of an unwed mother, under any circumstances, and I must tell you now that I do not think I can afford to do so. I have worked for many privileged families and I am well respected for the families I have attended, however, I do not think that I could keep that status if I agreed to stay here any longer, Ms. Eyre. That is why I must find myself a new situation. I shall be gone in the morning, Miss."

Before I could say otherwise she had left my chamber. I felt truly alone in that moment. I did not know all there was to taking care of an infant, and now my primary source of information had left me because of my sullied reputation.

I shut it out of my mind. With all of the problems I had been facing, I could not dwell on that detail. Helping me was only a paid position to the woman; she had no obligation to stay. With the Lord's help I would get through the ordeal of child birth and raise a happy and healthy child in the process.

I was determined to try and make my life resemble normalcy, everything had changed about me and I had no choice but to find a new way to adapt. It was not until I put myself to bed that I again let my thoughts drift to Edward.


	11. Chapter 11

I was eager in the next days to finally bring my child into the world. It was growing heavier daily and I thought that it would be too big if it delayed any longer. Indeed, I did not have to wait long, for my child came into the world less than two weeks after Edward had been taken away from me. It had been a beautiful and warm Friday morning when the midwife was summoned to my side; it was a warm and balmy night when we both began to grow desperate for the ordeal to be over.

When I finally lay my first born at my breast it was daybreak of a wondrously clear Saturday morning. I held my child to me and wept, partly in joy, for I now had a beautiful daughter that, no matter what the outcome, would always be a part of me and a part of Edward. I also wept because Edward was not there to see her; indeed I knew that he had not even made it to his destination. It would be weeks before he even knew how we faired. I pitied him then, for as much as he had deceived me I had no doubt that he that he would regret not having been here to see our new daughter.

As days and weeks passed Sophia became my greatest source of help, old and slow though she was. She never questioned me, and made all the preparations that she could to help me while I recovered.

My dear daughter, who I decided to call Helen, was a very sweet babe, Sophia wondered at her because she rarely cried when not in want of something. A few days after Helen arrived; I sent word to the location I had been told Edward was staying. I told him of his sweet daughter and told him that I wished for his well being, as I did, and prayed daily that his trip would be safe and his sentence short.

The summer nights began to have a cooler feel as autumn descended around me. Helen was growing rapidly and I had decided to record as much of her infancy as possible in my paintings. She was lying in her bassinet and I was trying to capture her sleeping form to paint when Sophia came in with the mail.

"Here, Miss, is the mail for the evening. I see the little one is still asleep. I've never seen a child as quiet as she; nothing seems to disturb her, even with the storms last evenin' she kept quiet. Such a good baby." The kind old woman took a final glimpse at her in the bassinet and at my painting before she left and I soon started through the mail.

A letter at the end of the stack caught my attention as I started opening a letter from one of the tenants Edward kept, it had a posting I did not recognize and I picked it up. It was from Edward.

I read through the letter hastily at first, not willing to absorb much until I was certain that he had not been bludgeoned or harmed except for want of warmth and food, something I knew from experience could be survived, then I re-read the letter, and realized that this particular letter was sent before he could have received my last letter concerning Helen's birth.

Just as in our last moments together he put in his letter to me words of explanation and his sincere apologies. He had learned on his journey north that it was my uncle and Mr. Mason who had worked together to bring justice to him. He told me that he had worried when I sent the letter to my uncle naming him as my husband that his name might register with him as a random fact, he had not counted on Mr. Mason knowing him personally. He told me that although Mason had been in Jamaica for the, as it turned out rather unfair, events surrounding his first wedding, he was even then in a more permanent residence in Madeira.

He spent much of the letter detailing the events surrounding his deception. I learned of his scheming father and of the elder Mason who had schemed with him. Bertha's mother and many others in her family had been diagnosed as insane before her and though many knew this, no one had mentioned it to Edward, hoping that he would marry her, simultaneously financing his future and unburdening a distressed family of a woman slowly loosing her mind.

By the end of their fourth year of marriage, Edward had had no choice but to confine her, and he had nearly given up hope in life before deciding to take Bertha to England and find solace for himself elsewhere.

I was glad to finally have the entire story. Edward knew that I needed all of the information to make up my mind, and he spent the last pages of the letter with his hopes that I would forgive him and that I was coping well with my new, and he was certain, temporary situation. The letter was filled with Edward's deepest, darkest secrets, the tempests of his heart, but it was also filled with his love for me, he said that all he wanted was to get back to me, to his best friend and earthly companion. I was strangely comforted when I read that he had never intended for me to be his mistress. I understood that in his mind, he was so separated from Bertha that it was as if he was a true bachelor and free to marry whom he choose. I did not know what our future together held, but I knew that he had loved me as he had said, that at least had not been a lie, but even if he served his sentence for bigamy he would still be legally wed to Bertha. Once he returned I would have to make the decision to either be his mistress, or to separate myself from his love forever. It was a choice I refused to make; my heart and mind were at battle whenever I found myself trying to confront the issue.


	12. Chapter 12

Edward had been mysteriously reflective and silent after his confession of his time in Madeira

The next several weeks went by quickly, Sophia suggested I hire the help of a local girl to help me in the caring of my child, and I soon welcomed Anita in to my home. She had three children herself and had raised them without the benefits of a nursemaid; I was pleased to have her with me as I tried to cope with the rearing of a newborn.

"Miss Eyre, your daughter is truly a remarkable child. I don't ever remember any of my children being able to hold up their own necks at such an age. It's as if she is determined to take care of herself."

"Yes, she certainly seems to be determined." It was a warm afternoon and Anita and I were seated in the sitting room, all of the doors open to admit a warm breeze into the room. Helen's bassinet had been moved in with us and we sat with the child, continuing to try and sew clothes fast enough to keep up with her ever growing, but still preciously tiny body. We were running out of fabric and I commented to Anita that I should have someone send for more in the morning.

"Why, if it is Helen you are concerned with miss, I can assure you that I will not let her come to harm if you wish to go to town."

Until Anita mentioned it then, I had had no notion of going to town, it reminded me too much of happier times spent with Edward, indeed, I had not left the property since his arrest.

"No. I do not think that I would like to go; the task can be just as easily accomplished by my staff. I will have someone pick something up tomorrow while they are already out."

Before retiring to bed for the evening I went to make arrangements for the fabric and penned a letter for one of my servants to pass to the mistress of the nearest fabric shop as they went about their duties. As a general rule since I found myself sole mistress of my home, any provisions that were needed were sent for by letter and people from town rarely made there way to my door. I mainly kept track of the outside world through the newspaper which was brought in weekly by the kitchen maid when she bought our produce from the local farmer's market.

Once my task was completed I made preparations for bed and said my prayers for Edward's safety as I had become accustomed to and went to sleep.

I awoke to the terrible feeling that I was suffocating in a heat that I could not describe. My dream had not been of the sort of nightmare that had plagued my dreams before in my life; I could not remember anything of my dream but fear and helplessness, and the heat. The heat was what woke me, I knew, and I could still feel it consuming me and engulfing my as if it had attacked my very soul. I arose from the bed in search of something help me cool off; I had heard from many that dreaming of being hot was a sign that a fever was upon a person, but after a drink of water and a walk along the seaside, I knew that I was not unwell, and I wondered what had brought upon such an intense vision.

The morning after my newest dream found me in a peculiar mood, I was very anxious, even to the point that the servants noticed it-- I began to worry if I had indeed come down with something. I still felt in good health, however, and so dismissed the dream as a simply that: a simple ordinary dream of no meaning. Never the less, I found myself on my guard, I kept Helen at my side all the day and for some reason I still do not comprehend, the hundred pounds that my uncle had given me tucked under her blanket.

--

I had lived in the comfort of this practice for several days after my dream, while not as severe as the day after the dream, I still for some reason found it very comforting to always know where Helen was and to keep the hundred pounds on my person. I wondered about what might have initiated my dream; was I anxious that I was insecure and ineffective in my abilities to run a household, was that what compelled me to seek solace in the hundred pounds? I did not know but after several days of this anxiousness I wondered if I should perhaps seek out the advice of the local doctor. I knew that if nothing else it would relive Anita; as I was sure that my constant checking in on Helen was beginning to wear on her nerves. With all of these thoughts in mind I sent word to the doctor that I wished to see him as soon as possible and was all but waiting by the door when a local delivery boy brought by a package. When Sophia gave it to me, I was surprised to note that the package had been delivered by the boy from a location in the town. It was not my habit to have things delivered to the door and I immediately sat down to open it.

When I opened the newly delivered the package I could not at first comprehend what I was seeing, but as my mind opened to the many possibilities I realized with shock that the package contained a dead bird! In my already anxious state I could not think of a response and I dropped the offending package and turned to walk away, still in shock of what I had seen. Sophia was still in the room with me and immediately came to my side in order to see what the matter was.

"The package—I could hardly say the words—The package contains a dead bird Sophia, please have it removed as soon as possible." I watched as Sophia moved towards it, undoubtedly wanting to see the poor lifeless creature herself when she bent to pick something up near it.

"Miss Eyre, there is a letter here that must have been in with the bird."

She handed it too me and as I had recovered considerably, I was able to read the note. I quickly read the letter: it was a simple enough task; it only alluded to the fact that whomever had sent the letter knew of my predicament and had felt it necessary to condemn me for fornication and to condemn my child as an abomination.

I had instantly been both curious to know how the town had come by the information concerning Edward's arrest and infuriated that someone would freely condemn me without having come to verify facts first.

When the cook had come back from the market that evening I learned how the town had come by their information: the local newspaper's front page contained much of the entire story, though it had been advertised in a more unsavory manner with the headline: "England Society Man Arrested for Bigamy: English Police call him, 'Hardened Rakehell Bent on Seduction.'"

Author's note: I know that I have delayed way to long on this story, in a perfect world I would have waited to put this out after I had finished it instead of in pieces, I have much of it done, but it isn't written well enough to add to the story yet. Thank you to all of you who are reading this and keeping up with it, it motivates me to make it work so that it can be posted.


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